Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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