Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
