remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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