How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
