I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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