using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
