My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
