so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
