I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
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