if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
