Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
