So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
