so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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