just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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