I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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