I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
