I faked an abortion last night.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
