Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
