I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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