Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
