tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
