Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
