and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
