Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just had sex bonerless
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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