Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
