There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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