i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
