My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
