My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
