Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
