Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm like, not good at living.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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