cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
