A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
