Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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