and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
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