I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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