His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
