I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
