i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
