alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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