Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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