I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
