shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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