My friends, they love my intelligence
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
