I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
