She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
