Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
