He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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