This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
