My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We named our party play list daddy issues
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
