i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
