Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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