last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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